strange.

i don’t trust myself.

at all.

i confuse myself. how can i feel so strongly one moment. and then days later feel the opposite.

i blame the internet.

i’m 24.

hah.

 

23 wasn’t a bad year. a lot of fun. a lot of friends. finally making significant moves on that debt. it was a year of growth. of growing up. of figuring things out. changed expectations. from myself and from those around me.

my day’s i can keep busy.

but my dreams are unforgiving.

i miss you.

i hope i remember to blog about today.

and the things i’ve thought of , the peace i’ve found. the faith i’m rekindling. and the plans i have….

 

tomorrow. cause im way too tired today.

hold fast.

but not to what your flesh would have you.

 

lessons im learning. lessons im learning from a 19 year old girl who is more spiritually mature than me. somewhat humbling.

 

let go and let god eh? not the easiest thing i’ve ever tried. and if you reread this journal, or any of my other journals you’ll see where i have perpetually failed in this regard. however. however. i am a new man. not entirely new, but i am being made new. even though i’m still me. i will relinquish my pain. my mistakes. but i will always carry the scars and evidence of who i have been. this isn’t discouraging to me, but to some degree is one of the most beautiful things about being human. not that i’m necessarily proud of all of my past, but i believe everything i’ve done. the places and relationships and things i’ve come from are partly what make me who i am today and who i’ll be tomorrow. the key is not letting these scars preemptively abort the man i’m still maturing into. thats the key.

and so i learn from my mistakes. from my bad habits. from my failed relationships. for the hurt i’ve dished out and the hurt i’ve been handed. i learn. i adapt. i grow. this time i will let go. this time i will let god. faith is the key here. holding fast to faith. not to the one person you think you can’t live without. but to the one true god that you’ve learned through trial and many errors that you are completely helpless without.

 

lord. help me to let go. help me to be wise. and help me to hold fast to you. to my faith in the fact that you know what your doing. that you are bigger than me. and that you are sovereign. the fact that you love me. and have a plan for me. guide me towards that plan. forgive me for being distracted.

 

i am so easily distracted. when i start a period of renewal in my life i find myself emotionally drawn to women of god. women who amplify the traits that i desire in myself. women who personify the healthy spiritual life that i long for in both myself and my eventual spouse. this is good and bad. but without the proper level of maturity probably bad. so here i am. i’m done making the same mistakes in the same places. lord. help me to lean not on my own understanding, but on your love and guidance. forgive me for my ignorance. forgive me for any damage i’ve done to angela, or her family already. if it’s your will, conitnue to guide it. if its not. then please, just continue to guide me. i love you. amen.

why are you afraid. you have so little faith.

….then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves and suddenly there was a great calm.

 

i want that great calm. i want that faith. i know jesus is still here. i know he hasn’t forgotten about me. that his plans haven’t changed. i believe in him. in his power. in his ability to guide me. lord give me faith in this. forgive me for panicking. forgive me for losing sight of you. for giving up on the ship and preparing to wreck. instead let me come to you with my fears. let my faith grow to the point that i feel your calming words. your divine power. calm the seas of my mind and allow me to have the faith to trust you in all things, and most specifically in this right now. im sorry. and thanks.

i dreamt pumpkins grew on trees.

and of a world where i learned to love the people around me. where my love for myself was superceded by an intense love for the people around me, and not just for my own selfish reasons. i dreamt that i had a heart that ached for those in need. both financially and spiritually. i dreamt that the love of god had so infected me that i was completely incapable of being self-serving and instead became a servant. thank you lord for your love. for loving me and being so gracious as i’ve lived my life of mistakes. of selfishness. thank you for believing in me, that there is more to me than the mistakes of a child, a teenager, a young man. thank you for putting people in my life who continue to believe in me, and help me to continue to become the man of selfless love you have designed me to be. i love you. thanks.

st john of the cross.

and my own dark night of the soul.

 

what do dc comics and st john of the cross have in common? they’re both known for their dark night/knight…. ZING

these are the things that come to mind during my devotions. i love the truth i find in dark night of the soul, because it has that beautiful aura of just being true. when reading it you know, wow, this makes sense. of course god does this, why wasn’t i more aware when i was going through this period… i hope i can remain as cognizant of it when i go through it next.

Lord help me to embrace the dark nights you send my way, and help me to embrace the bright days as well. i love you. thank you for loving me. forgive me for measuring you by my life, instead of my life by you. i really am quite self-centred… help me to overcome that. thanks.

joe

i gota be me.

if i were a female rapper in the 90s that would have been my first album, and probably my all around catch phrase. i’m feeling kind of frazzled lately. mostly because i really like angela. i really really like her. i like her face. i like her heart. i don’t even mind that for now she’s so far away. but it terrifies me how much eric and rebecca hate it. people change. i know i’ve made mistakes, and i know i’ll make more of them, but i wish eric would cut me a break, and at least give me a shot. the fact of the matter is that with or without his blessing the two of us like each other, and adding more stress by being a jerk about it isn’t going to make it easier. anyway. i promised myself up front this was something that i wouldn’t let bother me, that i would simply give it up to god. i knew that when i started to like angela that it wouldn’t be easy. so this is me laying it down. at least for today. i’ll probably have to do it again tomorrow. or the next day.

 

lord. you know what i want. but you also know what i need. please bless this relationship with angela. help us to learn more about each other, about who we both ae, and about ourselves. i think you for putting her in my life, to whatever degree that entails. you are wonderful for that, and an infinite amount of other reasons. i ask that if it’s your will you will show us the barriers between us being lowered, soften their hearts….if not lord, then protect my heart, and her heart. Mostly i thank you for the opportunity you’ve given me so far to get to know her. i trust in your faithfulness. help me to live more faithfully.

i love you. amen.

lord.

rescue me. from working retail. from sleeping alone. show me my place in this world. show me what you created me for.