but not to what your flesh would have you.
lessons im learning. lessons im learning from a 19 year old girl who is more spiritually mature than me. somewhat humbling.
let go and let god eh? not the easiest thing i’ve ever tried. and if you reread this journal, or any of my other journals you’ll see where i have perpetually failed in this regard. however. however. i am a new man. not entirely new, but i am being made new. even though i’m still me. i will relinquish my pain. my mistakes. but i will always carry the scars and evidence of who i have been. this isn’t discouraging to me, but to some degree is one of the most beautiful things about being human. not that i’m necessarily proud of all of my past, but i believe everything i’ve done. the places and relationships and things i’ve come from are partly what make me who i am today and who i’ll be tomorrow. the key is not letting these scars preemptively abort the man i’m still maturing into. thats the key.
and so i learn from my mistakes. from my bad habits. from my failed relationships. for the hurt i’ve dished out and the hurt i’ve been handed. i learn. i adapt. i grow. this time i will let go. this time i will let god. faith is the key here. holding fast to faith. not to the one person you think you can’t live without. but to the one true god that you’ve learned through trial and many errors that you are completely helpless without.
lord. help me to let go. help me to be wise. and help me to hold fast to you. to my faith in the fact that you know what your doing. that you are bigger than me. and that you are sovereign. the fact that you love me. and have a plan for me. guide me towards that plan. forgive me for being distracted.
i am so easily distracted. when i start a period of renewal in my life i find myself emotionally drawn to women of god. women who amplify the traits that i desire in myself. women who personify the healthy spiritual life that i long for in both myself and my eventual spouse. this is good and bad. but without the proper level of maturity probably bad. so here i am. i’m done making the same mistakes in the same places. lord. help me to lean not on my own understanding, but on your love and guidance. forgive me for my ignorance. forgive me for any damage i’ve done to angela, or her family already. if it’s your will, conitnue to guide it. if its not. then please, just continue to guide me. i love you. amen.
